Toe-may-toe, Toe-mah-toe

Cyst/Tumor
Same theory, different topic.
A cyst is typically benign and fluid filled, while a tumor is typically malignant and solid. That's the only difference.
Not to take away from the severity of a malignant tumor, but rather stating that this is the major difference between a cyst and tumor.
That being said, according to a medical website, the image I posted with this states different signs and symptoms of a pineal tumor. Interesting that I basically have EVERY symptom they list (and then some) for a tumor, yet every Dr I've ever seen has emphatically told me that there is no way this cyst and my symptoms are related.
Really...!?
So basically, in the medical mind.... a space occupying lesion that is malignant can only cause these symptoms. But the same space occupying lesion that is benign can in no way cause these symptoms. So the only possible conclusion..? Apparently only cancer can cause symptoms....
I call bullshit.
Again, not discounting the severity of cancer, but I don't believe that ONLY cancerous lesions will cause symptoms.
End rant.

The more things change, the more they stay the same..

A year and a half has gone by.
While I still feel like crap, and things haven't gotten better or easier, I'm still being told there's nothing wrong with me.
I can see obvious changes in my MRI's, but according to my Dr's appt today, I'm just looking for something because I WANT to see it... :-(
Yeah, and I WANT to feel like shit all the time, too...that's it.
So I was told there are absolutely NO changes in my brain, and there's nothing wrong with me. You decide if I'm just seeing things, or the Dr's right.
Cuz Dr's know best, right!??

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

Boy if that's not the biggest farce on the planet...

Another one is - sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you...
I'm here to tell you, words still hurt. Especially when they come from those you love.
Words that cut like a hot knife through butter, that squeeze the last drop off life out of you, that leave you wounded and bleeding...
In the past 15 months, I've been told I'm a liar, a fake, a bitch, that I'm two-faced, that I only want attention, that I'm too negative.
But what I don't see very often are words of compassion, healing, or life. There are few that are still hanging in there with me (Lord knows I haven't been the easiest one to be around all the time), and to those few I'm extremely grateful!
When you're dealing with great amounts of stress, coupled with crazy unknown medical crap, and getting beat up and beat down by so many individuals in every aspect of life...I don't care who you are, words just hurt.
But it's all supposed to mold and shape you into some kind of inspirational motivational person, right? Maybe, but who's to say when that is supposed to happen? If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, who says you're not still in the flames of tribulation? Who decides when you're all the sudden supposed to be "stronger" and no longer struggling or suffering? Who created the time frame on becoming that inspirational motivational being? Who says that I am done suffering and suddenly should just "chin up" and get over it? Who put this imaginary time limit on when it's going to end?
I mean, seriously...if you're in constant pain (for more than a year) that Dr's can't figure out and just think you're crazy, you sleep no more than 5 hours a day (not all at once), you have no paychecks (almost 2 months now) because your job is being difficult, you're facing losing your apartment, you were denied the ONLY assistance allotted to you, and your sole transportation blows up...wouldn't you be just a tad bit on the negative/down side? Wouldn't you be just slightly overwhelmed?
But I'm not done. Every day I face the same struggles as the day before, and with any luck nothing more dramatic gets piled ontop the next day. But what if it does? What if I'm at a breaking point where one more straw will break my back? Am I not allowed to vent ANY of my stress and frustration and desperation in hopes that it might ease just a smidgen of the pain? Can I not cry to help shake off some of the burdens that are weighing me down without the added stress of having to be happy while I do?
I'd LOVE to see someone stand in my shoes for just a day. Just ONE day. Go ahead and give up all your luxuries, give up most of your necessities, your independence...and entirely surrender your quality of life. Do that. SURVIVE that. And then we might talk...
Until then, either buck up or back off. Love me, or leave me. And for crying out loud, give me some space, a little grace, and cut me a freakin break..I'm trying to do the best that I can with what I've got to work with at the moment, and if that isn't good enough, there's nothing else I can do. And if you think you could do it better, by all means..trade me places! I could use the break!
But in all honestly, I just don't need any more stress, hate or drama plaguing my already complicated and over the top life right now...
So do like my momma taught me:
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all..
Treat others the way you want to be treated..

Mumble, Jumble, Fumble & Grumble

Because of the constant dizziness and balance issues, when I was released for work I was given an unenclosed heights restriction. As the job I held BEFORE I started feeling like this was on the ground floor and had since been moved upstairs, I didn't want to chance falling and hurting myself or anyone else and felt this was a reasonable restriction.
When I brought my release papers into work, you would have thought I told my boss the sky was falling... he asked me multiple times why there was a restriction (because I LOOK fine, and now he has to actually do something), got completely flustered and wouldn't let me return saying I was a liability to the company.
Now, the ball has been passed into a few other courts and it's much like a combination of "keep away" and "dodgeball"....and they are dropping the ball with great frequency. For now, they've decided to redefine what the phrase "fully enclosed" means, and are trying to have a waist high open metal railing included in that definition (and they are taking their sweet ass time doing it, too).
So now, because I technically haven't returned to work (for any kind of pay), and disability has since run out, I'm not making ANY money and my insurance will be cancelled any minute. It was difficult enough to live off $95/week on disability, but $0/ week is even worse.

Cuz my headaches weren't already enough for me to deal with..ugh.
Sprinkle in car dysfunction that's costing me $110 plus tags (and I have 3 days left to get that done, or I won't be able to drive regardless of if they let me back at work).

Life is a dream and I'm in a nightmare.

Wishing Well

defined as a strong desire
a hope for something not easily attained
a want for something unlikely to happen
a wish is never effortlessly gained

but how long do you wait
how much should you fight
for that one very wish
you wished with all your might

how many times can you count
on your fingers and toes
all the wishes of those
who wished you well

how long will you spend
on your knees every night
praying with all of your might
to not feel like hell

grasp that shooting star
find that lucky charm
toss a coin in well
twist my arm

cuz I just wish I was well...

Hi-Ho..It's Off To Work I Go..

Due to an insufficiency of light being readily available at the end of my tunnel, I'm faced with going back to work..
After several unsuccessful attempts at trying to raise enough money for surgery, I don't see another option. It's too much to raise without having a necessary support system, and far too much for me to do alone. So, if I want to keep this roof over my head, I gotta go back to work. :-(
Not that I don't like my job (because I actually really do enjoy it), but I'm a lil nervous and freaked out. If I had a typical "desk job" it might not be such a frightening thought. But the labor intensive (not to mention the amount of focus and memory needed) job I have doesn't leave much room for me to adapt.
Counting down the days...

Bitter Rants of the Downtrodden

It sucks to watch others get approved by the same Dr's who denied you, TWICE, when you're suffering with the same to worse symptoms as they are.
It sucks to watch as others fundraise and get mass donations in a short time and I feel like I'm pulling teeth for a buck (if I'm lucky).
It sucks to watch "friends" on Facebook share random posts about others they DON'T know who are suffering with things and add "this really touched my heart" kind of messages to it, when they haven't even acknowledged what I'm going thru or bothered to share my fight and struggle...yet they know me.
It sucks to basically be left to raise an astonishing amount of money in an inconceivable amount of time with seemingly no way to make it happen without a pre-existing non-profit, forcing me to have to find a way to "suck it up" and return to work where I'll have to fake it til I make it.
It sucks to feel so alone...
It sucks to see no light at the end of my tunnel yet again.
It sucks being completely let down by ones who forgot about you, when you never forget about them.
It just sucks...a lot.

Looks Can Be Deceiving...

They say don't judge a book by its cover, and I'm a perfect example..
Just because I can grin and bear it, and walk around with a smile on my face, don't think for one second I'm not in pain or struggling inside.
I may not look like I'm "ill", but my pain is VERY real. So please don't discount my suffering because I can paste a smile on my face...it just means I'm stronger than you give me credit for.

Speedbumps and Potholes

So media doesn't want to cover my story because I can't get a Dr here to acknowledge and validate what I'm going through as far as my symptoms go and the need for surgery. They feel that it's me promoting me, instead of me needing to raise mad money for surgery.
My comments:
If I could find someone here to acknowledge and validate this, I wouldn't have the need to raise so much money for a surgery in a foreign country.
I know it's difficult for so many people to grasp, but if they walked in my shoes and dealt with what I've dealt with for a fraction of the time I have, they would understand.
This is a relatively unknown and extremely unacknowledged issue that I'm plagued with currently. Trying to get someone in the medical profession to recognize this as an issue is harder than finding a needle in a haystack. It has most definitely been a bumpy journey... and I'm riding on rims through this jungle of speedbumps and potholes.

Sickness sucks

Hoping that this sore throat, body aches and chills go away and don't progress into a fever... I don't think I can handle that right now. Every time I've had a fever with this thing in my brain, the pressure in my head escalates to -please shoot me and put me out of my misery- pain. And I have an unusually high pain tolerance, if that tells you anything.
Being sick sucks anyway, being sick with increased intracranial pressure from a stupid cyst in your brain sucks worse.